lawlessness

I can't remember the last time I was out in the rain for fun. Today the sky grew grey and the clouds closed in and it poured and it poured and I stood outside with my eyes closed and my insides open. When I was little I'd ride my bike in the rain on purpose sometimes to pretend I was caught in a storm and it was the deciding moment, life or death. Ride hard, don't look back, a tornado's right on my tail. I'd walk in soaked to the bone and a hot dripping mess and my mom would grin, like she knew I was up to something.

but it's hard, it's sure not easy

Breaking out of my comfort zone and traveling through unfamiliar climates.

how I sleep at night

When it's over and it's dark and still and quiet and my busy ears are full of cicadas, mostly I can barely breathe. But I did all I could today, this day. Maybe the whole-long-run is no closer to me or maybe it's even further but I know what's done is done. Even if I can't let go of the pains and they're constricting over my whole being, inside and out and I think I may perish any time now, my mind can hide itself. All I can do is whatever I can do, and I do that. Then I can feel my heart growing, beating its beautiful music in my ears and it drowns everything out and I'm led away by the current and it takes me to another world and I'm waltzing with the wide open sea.

Sometimes I say to myself: What am I trying to say? How will it sound and what will they hear? What am I showing the universe? What shines through, weakness or strength? You're only as good as your last mistake. What if it's been a lifetime of mistakes and u-turns and do-not-enters?

Other times it's what's the point of this, how will this end, will I regret starting this? Everyone always says there's a war waging in this world, in this lifetime, and it's good versus bad, light versus darkness. And I say it's not always clear which side is which. I pause mid-way through everything and second-guess my every move, every tug and which side it came from. Where am I heading? Who will be there when I finally reach the end? Will I even know when it ends? What if I end up on the wrong side, what if I'm already lost?

making things making things

making money making money

undertow

Everything is tugging at my tail coats, everything, every which way. Pretending everything is fine and everything is nothing, it's unattainable, it's not an option. People ganging up and cornering me and pressure, pressure, pressure. No matter what you do, some animals are just meant to be wild. Some animals just need to be alone. Some animals just can't live with other animals.

Sometimes all that's left to do is eat ice cream, smoke green things and watch Lost until it all melts away and your eyes start to itch and you can't stop yawning and it's time to crash into the sea of nonsense and whim. Where language doesn't matter as much and everything is vibrant and spilling over itself and reaching out in every direction and exploding right before your eyes.

note to self

Inside my gut, deep inside, where no one has ever been and no light shines and it's simple and it's dark; That's where I need to go more often. It's not too hard to get there, if you know where to look. In fact it wants me to come down, it pulls me in and shows me exactly what I need to see, if I'll only let go of my anchors that float above and bind me to the surface; to the world, to each person and each problem and each bit of heartache. It's a reverse sea, I'm at the bottom but the bottom is the highest point. I shed everything and leave it floating on the surface: my facial expressions, my body language, eye contact when it gets so bad the feelings are dripping out like a leaky faucet and your sink's just filled freshly to the brink. But below? Below is only me and the current and the awkwardness of being below and knowing that just above everything is waiting, wondering where I've gone, trying to make contact and pull me back.

I have to visit more often.

introduction or the sea anemone in me

You are called the flower of the sea. Alluringly luring and hiding in plain sight, vibrant as you are, plain as you are not at all. Comforting, sending out waves of that warm, tingling feeling of security. But delicate flower you are not, your hidden agenda, the secret of your core, it all means the crushing of all my bones. It means you eating me alive. Until I'm all gone, until I'm all yours.